(THIRD time's a charm, right? I duly apologize for popping in your inbox a third time, today! Hopefully all broken links are truly fixed. :))

Whether you're new here or you've been with me from the beginning, I know I've been silent in this space for quite some time now. Maybe you wonder where I went, or haven't given it a passing thought.

But when God goes silent, what do you think?

The past few years, it seemed my world went dark. The lights all but snuffed out. A string of catastrophic illnesses one on top of another left me a shell of the person I used to be. For a year and a half, I could barely read, let alone write much. One medicine used to save my life left me with a condition that takes away much of the vibrant, involved, go-getter part of me I'm accustomed to - slaying me in bed many days of the week all these years. In an effort to help me heal, my doctors stopped travel to visit my children and new, only grandchildren for 7-9 months at a time.

This was NOT the empty nest my husband and I dreamed. So. Much. Loss. Of what was, of what could be.

It was then God went silent.

Have you ever experienced a similar time? What questions drove you mad?

What in the world, God? Where did you go? Why are you so silent?! I don't understand... Did I do something wrong? Am I missing something?

One of my professional caregivers led me through a treatment that also involved prayer and meditation to tend all the "stuff" accumulating in me through the illnesses and losses. It was then I poured out those questions. (not the first or last time, either) It didn't take long for Jesus to come through with a question of his own, and a tender memory.

"How did you care for your daughters, one through all of her surgeries and long recoveries, and the other through her pain and depression?" (Link below if you want to read the story of Ashley's and Abby's traumatic 4-wheeler accident at 15 and 10 years of age that sent them reeling into eight years of more trauma + healing.)

Visions of Abby lying in a children's hospital bed, or lying in a recliner for six months at a time came to mind, along with visions of Ashley broken by false guilt (as the driver) and in pain herself that doctors couldn't fix. Then Jesus asked me another question, "Weren't you sometimes just quiet and close as Abby endured so much pain (not just physical, but emotional and psychological)?" Eyes closed, going deeper into the memories, I saw myself crawling up next to her, to be close, to hold her.

What else was a mama to do?

Being only 10 years old, enduring 11 reconstructive surgeries to her face, Abby had so much to process and endure, including a large loss of childhood. Too many words at the wrong time would be a burden instead of help. She needed my presence most. Yes, there were times to say a few things that did make a profound difference, but many times I simply drew close, for both girls. Our entire family pulled close.

With the vision so clear, I heard Jesus speak"

"Yes, sometimes there was a little something to say and I have spoken to you a little along the way at times, too, in your recent pain. But it's a story of 'with'. I'm quiet because I'm just being with you in it...remaining...drinking the bitter cup with you."

Dear friend, I don't know what pains you've endured, what questions of God loom, or whether you are flourishing in his voice or experiencing a time of silence. There are several perspectives to unpack together on that, but for now, I want you to hear this:

Silence does not mean a lack of presence.

God is with you in it. I pray you experience him in a fresh way, a new revelation of his nearness.

These past two years while I have not been able to write as much, God asked me to focus on healing and leave the writing up to him. Yet, I longed to write as my thoughts remained with you. What little bit of creative energy I did have went into illustrating a children's book (my very first!), and occasional posts on Instagram when I felt led. You can catch up on some of that below, too.

Click any of the images for more.

What I'm reading right now. Click to learn more and get your own copy.

P.S. Know this, God never stays silent for too long or forever. He also has many ways of speaking to his kids.

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